Our modern society is filtrated with faster and quicker methods in health, fitness and business. But the quick road isn’t always sustainable.
We obtain fast results but find it difficult to retain them. People start over, and over, and over—and wonder—why do I end up in the same place? In the same situations? Why do I feel trapped or repeat things even though it does not satisfy or bring fulfilment?
Contents:
- The Power of Slowing Down to change your Life and Habits
- Faster and harder is not always better
- What is Intrinsic Motivation?
- The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation
- Intrinsic motivation comes from within ourselves
- How slowing down helps us to develop intrinsic motivation
- How distractions prevent us from slowing down and living mindfully
- Why slowing down is key to making change with the same mind that is keeping us stuck
- How to slow down and get off the rat wheel
- The effects of psychological development in childhood
- Neuroscience of changing habits and addictions
- A deeper look at subconscious habits and how living mindfulness helps us change:
- References
Introduction
When we think of addiction, generally, substance use, alcoholism and pornography are at the forefront of our minds. But addiction is unconscious behaviour and this can also tap into over working, food, social media, distracting ourselves, dating and more. Any action that is habitual and resembles a rat on the wheel which keeps us from our optimal wellbeing is an unconscious behaviour. It feels like we are going somewhere but we continuously end up in the same place.
Stepping off the wheel, especially if we are used to going around and around, feels weird. It’s often why people find themselves jumping back on, and continuing cycles and habits detrimental to well-being.
Changing deeply ingrained habits requires seasons of silence, introspection, and inner reflection. It can be difficult to embrace this concept when we live in a world that demands action and forging ahead.
We often think force, action, and external motivations will lead us to fulfillment and success. While we may experience some form of “success” or growth, we may find ourselves unfulfilled on a deep level. We may find that externally things have changed, but our inner battles remain the same.
Read more: The Benefits of taking a Social Media break every year
The Power of Slowing Down to change your Life and Habits:
This can be our downfall, leading us back to where we started.
In my experience, taking a step back has been the key to two steps forward.
And not just outward change. An inner transformation has led to the freedom of things that once kept me fearful, bound and addicted to certain behaviours.
In Christianity, we see this as the wilderness phase and it represents the times in our life where we need to go within to discover our truth. It’s a process of self-discovery to uproot inner pain and trauma. It can also be a season where we confront certain aspects of ourselves and ask, “What are my motivations?” or “Why do I keep repeating this habit at the cost of my wellbeing or happiness?”
It’s an opportunity to listen to our soul and discover what we need to do in order to heal—and transform. In a world where we can find the answers online, from others, and “out there,” it can be challenging going within. It may feel strange especially when we are used to forging ahead, seeking external solutions or using “will power” to change our habits.
But this doesn’t have to be a season we go through each year, it can become a normal part of our lives where we practice stillness and mindfulness to continuously be aware of our actions, thoughts and habits.
This practice seeks to understand patterns and destructive behavior. It’s not about condemning oneself into changing but an ongoing journey of trying to understand ourselves. Doing this is an ongoing process, one that will take us into many “wilderness” phases in our life.
Read more: Why we need to invite Silence & Space into our Lives.
Faster and harder is not always better:
In a sense, getting off the rat wheel requires us to face the truth. To go against the grain and listen to our own soul.
There are challenges we will face in our desire to understand or change our habits. Cultivating an understanding of how our brain works on a basic level can help us to be kinder to ourselves as we undo patterns and seek healthy change.
The mind (and brain) will go to battle to keep us where we are. To keep us the same—unchanged, unconscious, a victim to ourselves and our own mental patterns.
When I used to train clients, I found a correlation between them: they were eager to make a change but many times, they found themselves binging, quitting or feeling like failures after a few weeks. We’ve all been there. They had tried every program, fitness trend and diet. While their intentions were good and they truly wanted to evolve, they couldn’t understand why the yoyo-cycles continued.
Women would break down in tears as they confessed how badly they felt about themselves for eating something unhealthy or missing a workout session. They lacked grace toward themselves for not being perfect. They worked hard but would soon burn out, tire and feel helpless.
Unfortunately, this would derail any progress they made. One “slip up” in their eyes meant quitting.
I changed my approach to training clients early on because I realised they didn’t need someone telling them to keep going. We’re all used to hearing this message in society. They needed to be encouraged to slow down, listen to their body and soul, and approach the journey mindfully.
For those who adhered to this guidance, they found their own unique path and a personal way of implementing habits that resulted in long-term success. They developed an understanding of themselves on a deep level leading to an intuitive way of eating, training, and living a healthy, wholesome lifestyle. They were also happier on the journey rather than stressed out, worried or feeling like failures when faced with challenges.
Through my own experiences and training others, my lifelong quest thus far, is to understand the hard and fast lane versus the slow and steady.
This has meant confronting cycles and addictive behaviors, some of which are often seen as “acceptable” or “normal” in today’s society. It has also meant putting blinkers on to trends, societal “norms,” and everyone else’s opinion in order to listen to my own soul.
This can be referred to as discovering intrinsic motivation.
What is intrinsic motivation?
In Sports Psychology, and when working with fitness clients, the goal is to educate people on the difference between extrinsic motivation and intrinsic motivation. It’s important to understand how each works because it can be the distinguishing factor between someone who shows up consistently regardless of the battles that lie ahead and someone who quits when the going gets tough. It can also show us that motivation has nothing to do with worth (someone being better than someone else) but about a mindset and a willingness to dig deep into the soul to discover one’s own answers and solutions.
This understanding can work in all fields and walks of life, not just sports.
The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation:
Extrinsic motivation is based on external motivations. We may be motivated to hit the gym because we want to look like someone on social media. We may make a change based on what our partner wants of us (one of the reasons people may lack a commitment to rehabilitation). Our motivation is based on what others want of us or how we want to be perceived. We’re concerned with being validated, approved or accepted by others—rather than ourselves. (Burton, L., Westen, D., & Kowalski, R., 2015; Gould, D. & Weignberg, R. 2015)
This isn’t a bad thing—we may want good results on an exam, for example. Where it often fails us is when we put pressure on ourselves to achieve certain results and we lose satisfaction along the journey, or when the results don’t go as planned. We also become mindless to the present moment, forging ahead for the end result rather than enjoying the process of mastery.
Extrinsically motivated actions can often be short-lived, exhausting, and can lead to burnout. While it may push us hard and fast at first, we may find our motivation dwindling because it hasn’t stemmed from within ourselves.
It almost feels forced.
It can also explain why people reach their goals yet feel dissatisfaction. This can lead to trying harder or pushing further at the cost of one’s well-being (becoming addictive). It can also mean quitting.
Intrinsic motivation comes from within ourselves:
It’s centred on our own being, our soul, and our desire to connect with our path, regardless of what anyone thinks or says about us. We don’t feel controlled or pushed by others, and we don’t feel the expectation to perform for other people. (Burton, L., et al. 2015; Gould, D. & Weignberg, R. 2015)
We dive into the process, the journey, the creation—we aren’t worried too much about whether it works or not. This is also a form of non-attachment.
Personally, it’s taken me a long time to tap into this kind of motivation. I’ll be frank—this motivation doesn’t give us an instant high or satisfaction. It takes time, pressing in and commitment to the long haul to yield fulfillment and to see the fruits of our labor. But when we are driven with intrinsic motivation, we’re more likely to feel good about ourselves, our path, and our direction. We are less likely to burn out or give up.
We are also able to ride through the valleys and the bleak moments because our motivation is from within—it’s an energy that is pure and ongoing, and draws us into new lengths and heights within ourselves. It is the energy that cultivates our character, resilience and inner confidence.
Studies show it is the slow and steady path, intrinsically motivated, which yields far greater, quality results over a long period. It is also sustainable, and it helps us move beyond yoyo-cycles and addictions. (Burton, L., et al. 2015; Gould, D. & Weignberg, R. 2015)
How slowing down helps us to develop intrinsic motivation:
Taking a step back is not about giving up—it’s about listening in to our own soul to figure out what is truly best for us.
I grew up in a Christian home and I feel a lot of what we were taught in church was extreme and destructive to the evolution of human beings. People were motivated with fear—an external motivation—to change, and become better people.
The church life proposed a “moral, conscious way of living” via control and force. Rather than seeking to understand our addictions, our torments, our pains, we forcefully changed to adhere to what “man” said was good and holy.
It was a joyless, stressful life and anything but motivating.
People were found to return to old ways or do things they spoke against. The integrity they preached about lost to “temptation:” quick satisfaction of the body and mind, even at the cost of others; the derailing of the good path they were pursuing.
Something was innately missing.
I was brought up with the notion that hell is somewhere I go when I die if I haven’t lived a God-fearing life here on earth. As a kid, I would be tucked in bed, ready to sleep, and see shadows on my wall that looked like the silhouette of Satan. Although there was nothing there, it was the fear I lived with on a daily basis. I was so afraid of this notion of heaven and hell that I lived in torment into my early 20s. My life revolved around trying to be a good, perfect person to avoid going to hell—and I believe it was the cause of chronic illness for many years.
I wasn’t motivated to be better out of a loving, kind, energy. I was motivated by fear of dying and being doomed to a life in the fiery pits of hell.
The problem with being fearfully motivated is—it hardly lasts. Extrinsic motivation may work for a short while and feel progressive but it often wavers. It’s also a tormenting way to live.
It’s hell on earth.
It keeps us trapped and bound by fear.
I no longer believe in the notion of hell, but I do believe we live in hell on earth when we live an unconscious life. Hell to me is the feeling of being trapped. A rat on a wheel, doing the same thing over and over, with the expectation of different results. It’s nonsense!
The problem is, we live in denial. We may think of addiction as substance use, alcoholism, and pornography. We distance ourselves from the idea that we could be addicted to our patterns and unconscious ways just because society deems them “normal” parts of life.
All in all—addictive, unconscious behavior results in a lifestyle that keeps us stuck. It’s the path that dulls our inner being.
How distractions prevent us from slowing down and living mindfully:
We promote an addictive, distractive society in the things we do daily that are deemed “acceptable and normal,” and perhaps sometimes we don’t realize how this has led us to shut off the faint voice within. The noise can keep us from hearing ourselves and recognising that our spirit is trying to communicate with us.
But more so, I think we are afraid of the unknown and what it might say or call us to do.
In 11 studies conducted by researchers, they found participants preferred electric shocks rather than being alone with their own thoughts. They were offered wonderful ideas to think about (like hiking). But found that people do not enjoy contemplating and thinking, not even if it was a positive reflection, and would prefer something to do even if it was negative. Anything was better than nothing—even a shock to the system—just to avoid their thoughts.
Numbing to the pain and noise seems like a better option than listening to it. It’s harder to hear the truth of what we feel and to confront the pain and the shame that may come up.
It’s challenging to go through the wilderness.
The truth might be ugly to us, and denial seems like the safer option. In listening to ourselves, we may be called to an action that makes us feel uncomfortable. We may be prompted to let go of things, people, and ways that are familiar to us.
Mostly, we are encouraged to let go of our comforts.
We, and our brain, would prefer easy—we like autopilot. But unfamiliarity is part of the process of change. Taking a step back to go within is key to everlasting transformation. We need to be willing to let go of our stubbornness and our ways to discover the oasis of truth that already exists within us.
The truth that will set us free.
When we embark on a conscious life and allow ourselves to go through the transitional, wilderness phases (because they happen many times), we are in a sense stepping off the rat wheel to walk freely. Although freedom is often glamorized, it can be scary. The brain has to go through a process of adaptation and learning. But by avoiding contemplation and thinking, or going within to seek truth, we continue to engage in automatic processes and the dulling out of our inner being. And we deny joy and freedom.
To make pivotal change requires us to pay attention, to be present, and to listen to the right course of action from within ourselves.
It is about finding our intrinsic motivation in a sense.
Why slowing down is key to making change with the same mind that is keeping us stuck:
I think of Jesus in the desert tempted by the serpent. He was alone, without food, without distraction, without anything to dull his pain of fasting and wandering the outdoors alone.
He was in the wilderness—the transitional phase.
At his lowest point, weak and hungry, after 40 days of being led by the spirit into unknown territory—the devil tempts him. “He showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” He calls him to the world of distraction and quick fixes to deny his spirit, his inner being, in favor of worldly, quick satisfaction.
He tempted him to the familiar—to comfort.
To me, the devil represents our brain and mind, the automatic processes and the conditioning of the world calling us back to comfort to drown out our spirit, our truth.
JC, with authority, says no. He’s embarking on a mindful life.
When we are moving from unconscious ways to mindful living, the transition part is one of the most important aspects of this journey. We don’t need to rush it. It’s the refinery stage. It shows us what we are made of, and what we truly want—at our very core. We cannot skip past this phase. While it may be tempting to “shock ourselves” to avoid our thoughts, or the silence that comes, we’ll end up in the same place over and over.
Not all action is action, sometimes it’s procrastination and avoidance of going within.
Sometimes the best way forward is a step backward.
How to slow down and get off the rat wheel:
When I first set out on a journey of wholesome wellbeing, I didn’t think to myself, “I want to change my brain and mind.” I was seeking peace—period.
In committing to certain practices over time, for the mental benefits, it’s mainly in hindsight that I realize the huge impact it has had on my life.
Riddled with anxiety, periods of depression, perfectionist tendencies, and a relentless drive to “be someone” in the world—I struggled to just be. Present moment? No thanks. I wanted hard, fast, and my entire focus was on the future.
Slowing down was way too scary for me. What if I fail? What if I become lazy? What will people think of me?
I wasn’t content, like ever. Not in myself, not in my life, and certainly not in my body.
However, I found solace in hiking, walking, and nature. I didn’t know what it would lead to in the future, I just loved the feeling it gave me in the now. The more I moved, appreciated the trees and sky, and took long, deep breaths, the more I discovered a whole new world, different from the one I had been conditioned to live. I thought life was meant to be stressful, pressured, painful (growing up as a preacher’s kid, life was full-on from a young age).
These practices showed me there was a different way of living, and my approach to life—the fast lane—was costing me rather than benefiting me.
During a time when I was bogged down by assignments and work and an endless “to-do” list, I decided to go outside for 20 minutes a day and train myself to sit there—and do nothing. No phone, no writing, no internet, absolutely nothing but sitting.
At first, it was excruciating!
My head would be looming with anxiety, fear, and worry. And spiraling with guilt.
How could I just sit and be when there is much to do?
How irresponsible.
But I had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I would find something like I did with the walking.
So, I committed to this “pausing” of life. I allowed the world to rush on by, the phone to go unchecked, my assignments to wait.
In these moments, I was amazed at what would come up–things from my past, understanding of my pain and why I was the way I was, and plenty of “aha” moments. Solutions and ideas would also pop into my mind for all sorts of things.
You’ve probably heard of the phrase, “Sleep on it.” It was kind of like that. By stepping away, doors opened to answers, epiphanies shot through, and healing seemed to happen along the way. I was able to hear myself more and more, and this helped guide my path.
After years of studying psychology and mindfulness in-depth, reading a gazillion books and articles, and saturating my mind in (awesome) science and spiritual findings—the thing that has taught me everything and anything there is to know about seeking peace has been the act of being: sitting outside, chilling with my dog, walking in nature, hiking.
Go figure.
It’s kind of funny—all the searching, hunting, and desiring to “know”, and yet, it has been the simple practice of embracing the moment that has transformed my mind (and I would say brain?) to a place I sometimes don’t even recognise; an understanding of stillness, a total and complete love for this very moment. And not much more. It’s simply amazing.
In saying this, everything I learned over time started to connect on a deeper level. It was never a waste to study and learn. With anything, experience generally teaches us more than reading or being told something. It’s in the practice that we learn on a deeper level.
In the act itself, we develop systems within our mind that allow us to form new memories and patterns, therefore constructing new understandings and ways of doing things.
It’s easy to watch videos, read a lot, and then go seeking some more information on the internet, and wonder—why doesn’t anything change?
Action is paramount, well, the action of inaction—the ongoing practice of stillness.
I look at my past and I am the only person who can truly attest to how these practices have affected me. While I can’t show you the journey on paper, neuroscience and wise old teachers will attest to the marvellous accounts of renewing the mind and brain through stillness practices—and how this can positively impact our lives.
Read more: The Powerful Benefits of Walking and Hiking for Anxiety, Trauma & Rewiring the Brain
The effects of psychological development in childhood:
A profound moment for me was when I learned about how our brains are developed and shaped from birth to the age of seven. We are impressionable little beings, our brains like sponges, soaking in our environment and how others treat or care for us. The words that are spoken to us, whether we felt safe or not, and the type of “love” that is provided—molds us. (Burton, L., Westen, D., & Kowalski, R., 2015)
Our conditioning from a young age plays out in later years (Burton, L., et. al. 2015). If we were treated with neglect, abuse, or control, we learned ways to survive. We may have also grown to associate these behaviors from others with love. (Hence, abusive dynamics may continue in adulthood). We learn a way of conducting ourselves—generally a survival-based way—and we think that this is living!
While I endeavored to seek peace, I now realize that my journey was about renewing my brain, connecting to my soul, and re-conditioning my mind. I no longer needed to show up to the world in survival mode.
I can simply be.
Neuroscience of changing habits and addictions:
Neuroscience shows us that our brains can be rewired and our cells can renew through neurogenesis. Patterns developed from a young age can be altered and an entirely new path created, leading to new ways of living in everyday life.
Jesus was ahead of his time when he said, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” It’s one of my favourite scriptures. The word renewing shows me that this is an ongoing process—a practice we commit to—so that we can rise above our conditioning (patterns of the world).
I am no longer riddled with anxiety, guilt, and torment. I sometimes can’t believe that I once lived life feeling so bogged down all the time.
If I do find myself revisiting those old patterns of thinking, it’s generally when I am tired, stressed, or haven’t spent enough time with my soul. It’s as though the mind is unguarded and weak. This is when we might be tempted back to old ways. It’s similar to when we don’t exercise or train our muscles; we may lose strength and mass, although, we do retain muscle memory. The brain and mind are alike; as they say, “If you don’t use it, you lose it!”
Except, we don’t need to do more, more, more—we need to practice being still.
It takes a conscious look, a desire to walk in the wilderness of ourselves to uncover these patterns and the conditioning from our youth. This process is always uncomfortable, strange, and unfamiliar. It can explain why we remain the same, forfeiting opportunities to transform.
The unknown feels weird.
Read more: Being an Empath can be a Sign of Hypervigilance from Childhood Trauma
A deeper look at subconscious habits and how living mindfulness helps us change:
When we learn to drive a car, we go through a process of conscious action. It’s not automated at first. We’re focused, possibly tense, trying to avoid mistakes. We have a lot to remember, our mind is taking in information and putting it into place. After years of practice, we may find ourselves driving somewhere and not knowing how we arrived. We can listen to music, have a conversation, and use the same roads daily without using a map—while driving. The process becomes automatic; it’s now a subconscious habit.
In Australia, the driver is on the right side of the vehicle. We also drive on the opposite side of the road compared to the United States. I remember visiting when I was 18 with my dad and we road-tripped from Los Angeles to Mexico and across to Arizona. At first, we were ultra-focused and careful, weary of the fact that this was completely new territory. But we were also on the opposite side in two ways and it felt strange and backward to us.
Australian roads seemed “normal,” while U.S. roads seemed “weird.”
Over the weeks though, we started to get used to it and the journey became more enjoyable rather than daunting. It was one of my favourite road trips.
This is similar to the process of renewing our minds.
When we are young, we learn a certain way. It becomes automatic and unconscious because our brain memorizes. If we were taught that we need to be perfect to enter into heaven (in my case), we learned from a young age to continuously act by what is deemed “good.” If we didn’t, the other option was hell, and who wants to go to hell?
To change this deeply engrained pattern was frightening. You can imagine the challenges I faced when endeavoring to question these belief systems that kept me up at night. “What if I question this and I end up going to hell for even questioning this?”
The unfamiliar path was like driving in America—everything seemed weird. I was weary and careful until I started to discover a feeling of peace that I never felt before. As I continued exploring this new terrain, the fear started to subside and a new way of thinking developed. I was no longer afraid of hell; I discovered a whole new way of seeing God—and love—which is incredible.
Becoming conscious and waking up to ourselves can feel strange at first.
When it comes to change, it is okay to feel perplexed by unfamiliarity. The brain is telling us “Hey, there is an easier way—just go back to the same old habits and you don’t have to learn or try something new.”
We may be tempted to take the easy route. The new road seems weird.
But trust the process, and practice over and over—until you see evidence of the new path unfolding.
References.
Gould, D. & Weignberg, R. (2015). Foundations of Sport and Exercise Psychology.
Wilson, T., Reinhard, D., Westgate, E., Gilbert, D., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., Brown, C., & Shaked, A. (2014). American Association for the Advancement of Science, vol.345(6192), 75-77.
Lomas, T., Etcoff, N., Van Gordon, W. & Shonin, E (2017). Zen and the Art of Living Mindfully: The Health-Enhancing Potential of Zen Aesthetics. New York: Springer. Journal of religion and health, vol.56(5), 1720-1739
Burton, L., Westen, D., & Kowalski, R. (2015). Psychology 4th Edition. Wiley.