I walked to my front door, coffee in hand, ready to start a new day.

A snail slowly crept across the pavers, and it stopped me in my tracks. His movement, ever so slight, delighted me.

I used to view steadiness and a lack of speed as an indication of laziness or not going anywhere. But in his slowness, millimetre by millimetre—his own pace—he was gradually moving from one place to another.

He was going somewhere—being fast didn’t matter.

I was thinking about this “all or nothing” approach to life. We dive deep into our ambitions, our goals, and we relentlessly drive ourselves to achieve something specific.

But along the way, we start to lose our joy, happiness, and presence. This moment becomes “too slow” for us. We don’t have time to be here in the moment and notice the snail—we have work to do. So, frustration rises, anxiety pulls us, and we clash with present moment. 

Who has the time to stop and notice the incredibly slow snail slithering across the pavers?

Our focus becomes predominantly about where we want to end up and who we want to be at the end of it all. It becomes about what we have, what we’re known for, or a sense of security.

I have known of this drive—the allure to focus intensely on “success” and forfeit what is right in front of me. I’ve been the person who would sweat blood and tears to achieve goals while at the same time becoming moody, withdrawn, and frustrated by anyone or anything which stood in my way. But I justified it in the name of “hard work”—and determination.

I think we start with good intentions. We want to become better people. Perhaps we want to be healthier, make more money, or do something meaningful in this lifetime. I truly believe having an appetite for life and wanting to cherish every day is incredible—and it is important.

But we need to be mindful that we cultivate this appetite and lead with self-control.

How to Overcome the “All or Nothing” Approach—& Mindfully get Ahead.

Why is it important to trust the process instead of adopting an “all or nothing” mentality?

When I was a personal trainer, the most significant part was encouraging clients to slow down and focus on each training session—on the journey, on their breath. Far too often, women concentrated primarily on the end goal—they wanted to be a certain weight for their wedding or be a specific size by summer.

When we dove into their health history, they had years and years without exercising, eating wholesome, or being conscious about their health. Yet, they wanted to achieve a complete transformation in a few months. If they didn’t see results fast enough, they would question my ability as a trainer or quit shortly after starting. 

Then there were clients who trusted in the process and the journey. We would focus on breathing and the importance of each and every session without worrying too much about the future. Of course, we kept the goalposts. But we didn’t make that the ultimate reason for exercising, eating wholesomely, and creating healthier habits.

all or nothing how to find a balance

How does trusting the process lead to personal growth and success?

Those who trusted the process looked forward to training and developed a love for exercise. Some of them hated exercising before. But, after time and commitment to the present moment, to the choices within their control, they would report how they felt more energised every day, how their careers improved, and how they felt stronger daily. It was exciting for them when they achieved their goal weight, but it wasn’t everything anymore. 

They found something more than they anticipated along the way. 

They noticed things they otherwise may not have if their entire focus was on the future. They appreciated the smaller victories, the daily wins, and developed new passions as they went along. Women who had never bench-pressed or lifted weights were excited to see their improvements—weight-loss became part of the journey, not the be-all, end-all. 

I used to be like this, too, which is why I took this approach in training clients. Before being a trainer, I went on a weight loss journey of my own. But when I reached my goal weight and became the size I wanted, I was still unhappy with myself. So, I wanted to lose more, train harder, become skinnier. My body image and weight became my entire life. I became so lean that I made myself sick. People would encourage me to slow down, take days off training, and be careful. I disregarded everyone’s guidance completely. 

I thought they were trying to hold me back. I also believed they were lazy and didn’t know a thing about “hard work.” 

Until I was forced to stop due to chronic illness, and I realized how wrong I was. They had a sound and wholesome approach. They were patient and diligent. They were also happier and kinder people. 

They were determined, but not at the cost of everything in their lives.

There is nothing innately wrong with being determined. But we need to redefine what determination is. 

Determination is not a lack of wisdom. It is not greedy, selfish, and self-absorbed. Determination is not about losing track of what matters to achieve something that satisfies ourselves.

Determination is not “all or nothing.”

for i know the plans i have for you plans to prosper you not harm you bible verses trust the process all or nothing approach anjelica ilovi

When we are mindfully determined, we practice self-control

This includes the things we are passionate about. Perhaps we have a new business, idea, or fitness goal, and it excites us. Maybe we’re in the new stages, or things are taking off. 

We may feel we have to put more effort and time in because we see evidence of growth, the fruits of our labor, and we want more. Perhaps, we think we will be more accepted, validated, or taken seriously by achieving something. There’s an array of reasons for which we pursue our goals.

But if our ultimate goal becomes the destination more than the journey itself, this is where we can start to neglect or “put off” things that matter. Or keep us balanced and whole.

We may tell ourselves “one day” or tomorrow.

The problem is, if we do this enough, those things we put off can end up being left behind entirely; habits are formed by repetition.

We end up creating the habit of “putting off,” too.

I think this is how we wake up with regrets. In our pursuit of the future, we miss the present. 

Many years ago, I would have seen that snail and thought nothing of him. I don’t think I would have noticed the snail at all, to be honest. Instead, I would have hurriedly walked past him in the pursuit of myself, my day, my goals. 

There was no time for noticing the intricate details of the day: I never saw the importance.

Today, I see the snail and smile.

Is the all or nothing mentality tied to perfectionism?

According to Psychology Today, all-or-nothing thinking is a big part of perfectionism which requires “no mistakes, no slip-ups, and no unsolved problems”. If something is not perfect, it’s not good enough.

This is one of the main reasons why I failed to trust the process in the past. I wasn’t allowing myself to explore, figure things out and grow organically. The pressure to be perfect from an internal voice of ‘I’m not good enough’—and even shame—drove me to chase goals extremely hard, or not at all.

Healing perfectionist tendencies takes time and can still rear its head at different points in our life, no matter how “healed” we feel. Sometimes, it’s just an old voice that pipes up when I am trying something new or embarking on a deeper level of growth. The difference between now and then is, I recognise that voice and I understand it’s trying to draw me back into old ways, but it’s up to me to choose to quieten the fear and continue trusting the journey.

Trust the process

When we pace ourselves, we enjoy the journey, and our thirst for life and success becomes fulfilled by the daily beauties. The allure of “having everything” at the cost of what truly nourishes our being no longer feels appealing.

The speediness, the fast-paced, the acquisition of stuff feels heavy, messy, and tiring.

The lightness of traveling the journey and soaking it up along the way feels full while chipping away at our goals.

It feels like life.

~

What strategies can help you overcome the extremes and trust the process?

1. The power of being spontaneous before setting specific goals:

It is important to set realistic and achievable goals. Breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks allows for a sense of progress and prevents the feeling of failure if the entire goal is not immediately achieved. For me however, before I rush ahead and set specific goals, I find it useful to have a period (two to three months) where I experiment with my “new goal” or something I want to explore further.

For example, if I want to start creating art work, I will play around with it and do it when I am inspired. I won’t rush and force myself to create certain pieces by a specific time.

The same goes with fitness and work goals. I have a phase where I experiment and act spontaneously, learning about a new area, researching, devouring, contemplating (a biggie), reflecting and imagining how this will be valuable in my life, and why. Getting a feel for the journey I am about to embark on allows me to have the space to introduce it into my life in a pace that suits me.

In the past, I would set lofty goals without experimenting, we might aim too high (or too low). If it was too high, I procrastinated and felt discouraged leading to giving up—welcome the ‘all or nothing’ mentality.

If the element of fun or enjoyment is completely missing from our goals, it’s very hard to stick too. This doesn’t mean our routines will be fun every single moment, but if our goals or desires are devoid of healthy passion or uplifting energy, it can kill our long term focus and motivation.

It might feel “lazy” or unstructured to have a phase of experimentation prior, and impatience can rear its head but that’s where the ‘all or nothign’ approach has hooked us in the past. It pushes us ahead too fast without laying a solid foundation.

Science

A study called, Trust the Process: A New Scientific Outlook on Psychodramatic Spontaneity Training, quoted:

Man will fear spontaneity until he learns how to train it”.

~ (Moreno, 1953, p. 47). 

The origin of the word “spontaneous” is in Old Latin: [sua] sponte, “of one’s own accord, willingly”. Researcher Dani Yaniv defines this as “agreement and harmony with oneself, without external influence or constraint.”

Freedom being the central issue.

The process of trust has an element of spontaneity. When we reflect on the times we have had an “all or nothing” approach, was the routine and structure rigid? Did frustration arise when things didn’t go perfectly as planned?

This kind of attitude towards our goals and ourselves is stifles creativity, flow and the natural aspect of growth. Routine and discipline are only part of the equation, not the full equation. When we invite playfulness and spontaneity alongside our ambitions and goals, we open ourselves to new learnings, growth in ways we didn’t imagine and we expose ourselves to solutions or creative ideas that can further our development.

“Spontaneity is a function of organisation”.

~ (Wellman J. Warner, May 1951, as cited in Moreno, 1953, p. 545).

2. Be kind to yourself rather than berating yourself:

Our words and thoughts have power over how we feel and act. Practicing self-compassion is crucial. Acknowledging that setbacks and mistakes are a natural part of any process helps to maintain a positive mindset and encourages perseverance. Additionally, focusing on the journey rather than solely fixating on the end result can help in appreciating the growth and learning that occurs along the way.

3. Let go of perfectionism: 

Embracing a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities for improvement, can also shift the perspective from all or nothing to a more balanced approach.

4. Choose your circle wisely: 

Seeking support from others, whether it be through accountability partners, mentors, or support groups, can provide encouragement and guidance throughout the process.

5. Use your journaling practice to cultivate steadiness: 

Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and exploration in your journaling practice. Embrace the process of self-discovery and allow yourself to be open to new insights and perspectives. Journaling involves embracing imperfections, celebrating progress, and nurturing a positive and patient mindset.

9 journaling prompts that can help foster trust in the process include:

  • “How has the ‘all or nothing’ approach failed me in the past?”
  • “What have I learned from the ‘all or nothing approach’?” (I find it good to try to find some take aways even from strategies or periods in our life that didn’t work. Was there anything that did work that you can utilise or fine tune?”
  • “What lessons have I learned from previous setbacks?”
  • “What small steps can I take today to move closer to my goals?”
  • “Why do I feel the need to rush?”
  • “Whose voices are influencing me and why?” (Family, friends, school, culture, social media, society).
  • “What would happen if I stopped listening to those voices?”
  • “What benefits would I feel from trusting the process?”
  • “Who do I want to be? Will the ‘all or nothing’ approach help me get there?”

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Bibles verses to put in your arsenal for when you doubt the process:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Proverbs 3:5–6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

Pslam 118:8

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.

~

Share in the comments: Do you trust the process? What insight can you share with myself and readers about trusting the process? I would love to hear from you.