We’re in the final part of this series. The environment we are in, the people we surround or involve ourselves with and our work can impact how we feel. We addressed the body, mind, and spirit in part two – as they are components within our control. The areas in this part are mostly external – basically what we are exposed to – to distinguish if anything is causing anxiety and why. We may not be able to change our scenery for example if it’s our workplace. We may have to accept the people in our lives for a season because of living conditions. So, rather than feeling we need to escape or make drastic changes, we can explore what we need to transform or understand within ourselves first. From here, we may end up deciding to venture into a new place, quit our job, walk away from a relationship or simply distance ourselves from toxic situations. Or we may find the journey leads to healing from within so certain things that used to trigger us or cause us anxiety – no longer have that power over us.

We’ll finish up with “you”. This section is about befriending yourself and developing inner trust. It will tie everything together.

Environment

24. The spaces you are in are cluttered, messy or distracting

Work/Routines

25. Not taking enough breaks or switching off from work

26. Unorganised physically and mentally

27. Rushing rather than trusting the process

28. The “chasing tail” phenomena of perfectionism

29. The curse of “multitasking”

Relationships

30. Unclear, lacking or not enforcing boundaries

31. Being dependant on others for happiness and completion

32. Putting everyone else first – and yourself last

33. Feeling rejected

34. Gut instincts about people

35. Someone you are investing in is negative, ill-willed, jealous (not genuine)

36. Giving too much of yourself to a taker

37. False promises and unmet expectations

38. Accepting people as they are

39. Ignoring the red flags

40. Breakups cause a concoction of anxieties and pain

41. The draining one-sided relationships

You

42. You simply miss yourself

43. Worrying about what other people think of you or what you do

44. Waiting for “one day”

45. You don’t trust yourself

Environment

24. The spaces you are in are cluttered, messy or distracting

Take note of how you feel when you walk into certain spaces in your home, work, or other locations. When you feel the pangs of anxiety (stress, overwhelm, agitation) – take a look at the environment you are in. This includes – who is in your space too (we’ll talk about this in relationships). Certain colours have been known to trigger anxiety and a lack of sleep. Other colours calm us. This also goes for clutter or disorganisation.

Tips:

• Always have a cleanroom. It sets the mood for a calm sleep and a refreshing morning. Waking up in a room that is clutter free is a helpful way to introduce yourself to the world.
• Surround yourself with calming colours and tones. My favourite combination is whites, earthy greens, a few hints of turquoise, a few hints of black via plant pots, light greys, cream or beige.
• Add plants to your home to be reminded of nature and to bring life indoors.
• Vacuum and dust regularly. When we see dust piling up and we haven’t got a regular routine to combat this, it can hang in the back of your mind as a “thing to do” which is not helpful for anxiety.
• Clear out your closets and give away items or clothing that you don’t use, or fit anymore. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Especially if those items are from a time when you were a different body shape, size or style you no longer wear. I know it’s challenging to let go out of fea that you may “wear it one day” and sometimes I have gone to look for something, and thought “dammit” but then I look at everything I do have.
• Give away or donate things you no longer use.
• Schedule in that thing you “need to do” and get it done. Otherwise, it is a constant reminder that you “have stuff to do”. Free yourself of the task.
• Always know whats in your kitchen, bathroom draws and cupboards. Avoid keeping old bottles and products that you don’t use. Clean out your fridge regulary and only have food or products that you will use.

Work/Routines

25. Not taking enough breaks or switching off from work

Taking breaks throughout the day is vital to our health and productivity levels. And it would be wise for any boss or employer to encourage employees to take breaks daily. While it may seem like we get more done by passing on lunch and breaks, over the long hall it can work against us. Ticking off things to do is not nearly as important as doing tasks efficiently and properly. The best way to get bang for your buck (for employers), and more out of your day is to take breaks.

Tips:

• Train yourself to take a lunch break every single day. It may be frowned upon by some in the workplace but the people who generally make those comments are probably not taking care of themselves – so why listen? Be an example.
• When you can, opt for a break outside and get a dose of sunshine (vitamin D). If you are like me, sunshine refuels my energy tank. If you have noticed that after being in sunshine you feel jolly and energised, you may be like the percentage of us who needs light to balance our mood and regulate energy levels. Not everyone is like this – it’s a great thing to realise about yourself if you are designed this way – because it may resolve those times you feel a bit down. Have you been indoors too much?
• On your break, try to do something away from screens.
• Eat your lunch without distractions. Just sit there in silence and focus on your food, and observe your surroundings. Gaze up and outward. This is really beneficial for your eyes beause it gives your vision a chance to practice long distance obersevration. When we are always looking at a screen, our eyes can become strained.
• Read a book, journalise, do something away from work for a moment.

26. Unorganised physically and mentally

Organisational skills can decrease stress and anxiety. It’s also a great way to focus your attention on creating simplicity in your life. By cleaning, decluttering and organising, it does wonders for your brain and energy levels. There’s something so therepuetic about this process – I am sure you are nodding your head right now thinking “Oh yes!” But also being organised helps us to be more clear and it lowers overall stress.

An organised physical space can impact your mental space. Whenever I clean or declutter, and see how good it makes me feel – I use this same process for my mind. We often hold onto a lot of unnecessary stories, beliefs and thoughts that cloud our judgment. That hinders our forward movement. And that disrupts our pace (causing anxiety).

Here are some mental clean up tips:

• Let go of that pain
• Forgive yourself
• Forgive them
• Remind yourself that you are human
• Don’t hold it against yourself – forever
• Be kind to your body – why be harsh?
• Disrupt those nasty thoughts about yourself
• Counter the negative thoughts with prosperous, encouraging balanced thoughts
• Let yourself learn, fall and get back up – as many times as you need too
• Love your “failures” as much as your “successes” – they make the entire picture
• Quit judging people
• Quit thinking people are better or less than you
• Accept othes and love them (this energy will leave you light)
• Don’t take on other peoples problems

27. Rushing rather than trusting the process

Often when we rush we are focused on the end result rather than what we need to be learning, creating or developing along the way.

The process is actually where the gold is at. The end result – is a reflection of the commitment to the journey. Let that sink in.

28. The “chasing tail” phenomena of perfectionism

As a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist – I should have a medal of honor in the way of perfectionism. Kidding. It’s actually something I am no longer proud of nor do I find pride in being this way anymore. Because it can often be a disguise for a deeper issue.

Perfectionism is not just about what we think about ourselves – but how we want to be conceived by others. If we can produce work or appear perfect, then we feel others cannot criticize us – or maybe they will approve us. We push ourselves and will not allow room for – flow. For mistakes. For mess. For moments that are – imperfect.

However – it is in our imperfections that we can tap into grace and surrender. And inner confidence that is not based on external results.

The downfall of perfectionism is that it takes up a lot of our time and it can often starve us in the long run. Perfectionism can look like this:

• Spending too much extra time on tasks
• Not allowing yourself the room for error
• Not being okay with “good enough” (as in, give your best but then, move to the next step)
• Procrastination (because we want to perfect so we end up doing nothing)
• Stress and anxiety about what we are doing
• Not enjoying the process (could be with anything – even fitness and health)

Let go of the tight grip.

I know some people may find this horrifying – but sometimes, leave your dirty dishes until the next day. Why? To learn to be at peace with things not being perfect.

What about body image and fitness?

This is a big topic – and I will perhaps write a post in-depth about this.

Here are some tips about changing that inner “perfectionist dialogue”:

• Quit checking the scale so much
• Love and appreciate what your body CAN DO (do you do this often enough?)
• Stare at yourself and tell yourself how beautiful you are – its weird and at first you may not believe it, but do this often enough you start to see yourself differently
• Laugh at yourself (as in, don’t be so serious – chuckle at the funny odd things you do or think)
• Dance. No seriously, put on your headphones and dance to your favourite tune. This is so amazing for getting out of your head and into your body. The music will raise your vibes and you’ll feel free.
• Ditch those clothes that make you feel crappy
• Wear clothing that makes you feel good about yourself – not what you think you need to wear for others
• Train less but train efficiently
• Compliment other people
• Limit social media or don’t consume content that makes you question yourself. Honestly, I can’t even go onto Instagram public feed without seeing a million airbrushed bums and abs – of course, anyone of us could think we need to step up our game. (Remember, the end game of some influences is money or followers – and that is okay. But for your mental health, just limit or stay off).

29. The curse of “multitasking”

Teaching ourselves to do one thing at a time is tough in this day and age. But there is value in doing one thing at a time. Unfortunately, this wasn’t encouraged in the workplace when I was in an office. Personally, when I try to do too many things at once anxiety skyrockets. It doesn’t help if I have had a strong coffee! My soul is saying: ” calm your sh*t and focus on the task at hand”. I end up getting way more done with my time when I do one thing at a time with no distractions. I also end the day feeling fulfilled and energized. Not depleted (which can happen with multitasking).

Here’s why you will be more productive by focusing on one thing at a time:

• You will be able to enter a deep flow in your work or project, and when we limit distractions we can discover GOLD! Sometimes, the most precious insights, ideas and creative power come when we have entered the zone of flow.
• You will feel energised rather than depleted. When shifting from task to task it can take a toll on your mental energy. When focusing on one thing at a time, your brain has the opportunity to really settle into the task and find a way to become efficient at it.
• You may make mistakes or produce work that is not of high quality. When you focus on one task at a time, you have the opportunity to do it well – the first time. You will feel more confident with the work you are doing and are less likely to second guess yourself. But when you’re moving from task to task or being disrupted constantly, you may become forgetful or scattered in your thinking.

Relationships

30. Unclear boundaries

Boundaries are the number one crucial factor in ensuring you are participating in healthy relationships – and taking care of yourself. It takes time to really “click” and really understand the power of boundaries. Without realising it, I started implementing boundaries by standing up for myself in situations rather than allowing people to take advantage or guilt trip me. It wasn’t until later in life that I learned what boundaries are – and how awesome they are! This is one of my favourite things to have embraced, cultivated and implemented in my life because it’s so empowering.

When you have boundaries you are acknowledging that you know where you start and end, and where others start and end. You are practicing the art of not taking on other people’s “stuff” to the point where you suffer. But you are also mindful not to put too much of your “stuff” on others. You are also more likely to speak truthfully and not be afraid of what others think of you. You go forth into your life with self affirmation and you are not seeking external validation or approval of others. You may find that you don’t share much of your good or bad news with people. You know how to handle things, and if you really, really need to speak to someone you will confide in one or two people who you trust completely.

The opposite to having boundaries is either having none or weak ones. And trust me – this is an anxiety provoker!

The journey to creating boundaries is challenging but oh so liberating. It is personal to you but here some starting points.

What does a lack of boundaries look like?

• Putting everyone else first
• Not taking care of yourself
• Difficulty speaking up for yourself
• Not saying what you really want to say
• Letting people treat you like poop
• Letting people control you
• Believing peoples critical or harsh words about you
• Saying “yes” all the time
• Difficulty saying no
• Taking on other peoples problems
• Hanging out with people you don’t really want to be around
• Always socialising with little time for yourself
• Being on the go nonstop without time for yourself (self-care, spiritual development etc)

Developing clear boundaries is a process and mostly via trial and error. We all have those times where we are so sure we won’t cave with our boundaries, and we end up doing it and then feel shame. If you are realistic and understand that it takes time to learn, you are more likely to move through this with grace. Because the reality is, sometimes we don’t know what boundaries we want or need because we still need to understand ourselves. We may also have areas of our life that need to be healed so that our self-worth increases. If we have a poor perception of ourselves it’s no wonder we find ourselves in relationships or situations that are not reflecting self-respect. How can we expect people to know our boundaries if we don’t even know or believe in them ourselves?

Where to start

Ask yourself: What do you need to do every single week to take care of yourself so that you can show up as your best? This is a really great way to put boundaries in place and then build from there.

• Exercise should be a top priority and non-negotiable for the rest of our life!
• Nutrition – can you prepare food for the week or have a schedule? Eating well keeps the mind sharp. A caffeinated, depleted brain is more likely to fall back into old habits.
• Take 30-60 minutes every single day by yourself to relax without any conversations or outer interference (social media, business, etc.)
• Create time in your life to pray or meditate
• Write in a journal your nonnegotiables and get clear on what you will and won’t tolerate
• Make time for hobbies or things you enjoy for your own pleasure and self-development

You may like to read: Why you don’t need to feel guilty for setting boundaries

31. Being dependant on others for happiness and completion

When we are dependent on others for our happiness, anxiety can be present in certain relationships when we feel that our happiness is being compromised. We need to be healthy and whole with or without the people we value. Because people come and go; not everyone stays. If we have a solid relationship with ourselves and we lead a life we love, we will appreciate people – but never rely on them for our sole happiness.

What are healthy needs in relationships (all types):

• Communicating and being on the same page as one another
• Being present when in one another’s company (ie. not always on the phone)
• Authenticity
• Respect and fair treatment
• Endeavoring to understand one another on a deep level
• Honest feedback or healthy criticism (saying it how it is)
• Healthy support for each other

What are things we don’t want to expect from others:

• To make us happy – that’s our job to do
• To fulfill us
• To complete us
• To be available 24/7
• To take on all our burdens
• Being our punching bag
• Being our crutch rather than being responsible for ourselves

32. Putting everyone else first – and yourself last

When you put everyone else first and leave yourself last, you may have this constant undercurrent of anxiety. It could be your gut telling you that you are on the back burner while others are leaning on you to keep them afloat. Your body, mind and spirit are asking for space, care, and self diligence – from you. It is understandable that you prioritise people you love and care for especially if you have been taught that way. But a lot of these teachings are outdated and in my sole opinion as a woman, based on old school cultural expectations of women. But it’s not just subject to females as you fellas out there may also feel like the world is on your shoulders, and you become last.

Let’s just say it how it is – it is a disservice to the people you love when you are not well looked after – by you. Once burnout, frustration, short tempers, snappiness come into the picture – it can be easy to tell yourself “look how much I do for you!” – but it is your responsibility to put yourself first. It is your responsibility to care for your mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing as a priority.

33. You feel rejected

Rejection can feel like our hearts are being torn out. It can make us feel completely out of control. Have you ever felt rejected by someone you like or love – and it’s almost like you crave them more? You start acting needy, panicky or anxious. Your minds racing wondering why they don’t like you – or won’t speak to you.

There is an abundance of research and literature on why this happens – and the most common finding is how we were loved as children. We have a wound that has not been healed so when someone “rejects us” later on in life, we may internalise that being all about us.

Perhaps we believe:

• We are not worthy
• We are not good enough
• We need that person to be happy
• We need thier approval or validation to feel good about ourselves
• We purely need them – for whatever reason that

As mentioned in the previous point, people can not complete us. If we feel rejection, we need to look at this with scietific and soulful eyes – and ask why. Getting to the root of this can be ever so liberating. It can also help us to understand how much weight we put into investing in others for our self worth and validation. Taking stock of this can mean focusing on how to improve your self worth for yourself, without relying on others. We will also put less pressure on people to perform how we want them to perform and accept them as they are.

We will also realise that we do not have to stay in connection with people who are mistreating us, causing tension and not giving equally.

Healthy nourishing relationships – all kinds – are about give and take. About two people being on the same page. And about having the same goal for the direction of the relationship.

34. Trusting your gut instincts about people

I would get this horrible pit in my stomach or this feeling about someone that something wasn’t right but would ignore it because there was no evidence. Later down the road, it backfired on me or I would find out my instinct was on point.

Some things I identified when my gut was telling me something:

• Feeling super uncomfortable
• Someone expecting me to do something against my wish
• Feeling pushed or “mocked” into doing something
• Vagueness
• Just a sudden feeling to get away from someone
• Something just not feeling right
• Self-righteous or always preaching about how righteous they are
• Too prudish
• Acting arrogant or too cool for you
• Over talking
• Diversion in the conversation

I never knew these were warning bells until someone once said ‘don’t ignore those warning signs.’ They are there for a reason. If you feel something is off, guard your heart or be careful. I am still learning this and I don’t always get it right. Even though I feel a warning about some people, I often look for the good in them and ignore the toxicity. It’s not about seeing people as “bad”, it’s about having a balanced perspective on who someone is and developing healthy firm boundaries to protect yourself against toxic people. Or predators (they exist).

If you are unsure and don’t want to make premature accusations, take time out for yourself away from the individual or group. If you ask for clarity from God, or your spirit, you will be able to determine whether it is you (due to past experiences) or them. If you find it challenging, take your time trusting and giving yourself to anyone or anything that doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s a matter of learning to invest patiently – or maybe you are onto something.

And if you are someone travelling, hiking or just about – and get an off vibe – leave or walk away. Even if you think you may be overthinking something, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

35. Someone you are investing in is negative, ill-willed, jealous (not genuine)

This one is a tricky topic to navigate through. In my experience, when I am around someone who is negative or jealous, my head feels strange.  Almost like someone is trying to pull my mind out for themselves. I feel anxious and my mind races. I know it seems odd. But the body and spirit can pick up on things before our mind has had a chance to consciously realise. I also feel drained, judged, and almost despised when someone is not genuinely for me (untrusting, lying, pretending, ulterior motives, jealous etc.). Sometimes our position in life is perceived as a threat by some people. They see the end result and if they are not content in themselves, it can come out in various ways. Personally, I choose to distance myself from such people or have limited contact if they are in this frame of mind. We don’t need to start playing down our lives to please others.

A negative person, or someone who is perhaps unhappy with themselves and their lives, may also be someone who blames others for their misery. Drama is often the result. And it’s often pointless and confusing. Have you ever felt the wrath of someone and it’s completely unfounded – and out of the ordinary? Or perhaps seems really extreme? You never know what is going on in the mind of another person and how long they have been brooding on issues – whether it’s to do with you or not.

It’s not our responsibility to carry people – and to take on another person’s pain. Yes, we can empathize and sympathise with people. But we need to remember that it is not fair for our own well-being to take on their load. They need to do the work of learning to communicate and self-reflect, rather than blame or take things out on others.

36. Giving too much of yourself to a taker

It can be difficult to detect if we are giving too much of ourselves to someone who does not value us for various reasons. We may be blinded by love. Perhaps we feel guilty about having limits. We may even be drawn in by someone who is really good at taking advantage of people.

It’s even more troublesome when you part ways and feel shame or foolish for giving yourself away – and being disregarded. But it’s a learning process. We all have needs and it is more than okay to ensure your needs are met in a relationship. You also have needs that you need to fulfill yourself, and if a relationship is one-sided you may find yourself distracted, drained or pulled into their “stuff” causing you to neglect yourself.

Here are some signs that someone is a taker:

• Guilts you for saying “no”
• Makes you feel bad for having boundaries
• Requests small things of you to test your boundaries – which turn into bigger things later on
• Doesn’t give back
• Causes drama to avoid giving to you or being intimate
• Makes everything about themselves
• Doesn’t listen to you and is always ready to talk (biggest give away)
• Manipulates you via ghosting, drama, bullying, gaslighting
• You feel drained around this person
• Your neck feels tight around them
• You feel nauseous or have butterflies in your stomach

What to do? Go back to the boundaries section above. This will help with identifying takers and learning to limit yourself from overgiving.

37. False promises

When we make commitments to people verbally, it is only but normal to think this will be carried out with actions. Being a person of your word, you may find that it is surprising when people do not do what they say they will do. Especially if it is an agreement or commitment you have made to one another. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. Anxiety is bound to occur when we continue to give chances or have faith in people’s words when they have shown evidence through their actions that they do not mean what they say. Even if they wanted to do what they say they will, they don’t – which always comes down to choice and perhaps a lack of communication. It is unfair for people to do this – yes. To expect you to commit while they do otherwise. And it can cause utter confusion and uneasiness within the body and mind.

This is still something I am learning and that is to observe a person’s actions rather than believing wholeheartedly in their words. You may find by doing so, you also release expectations on people and accept them for who they are. It is then your choice to invest in a connection with them – not because of what they say or promise, but purely because of who they are right now, which leads to the next point.

38. Accept people as they are

It seems like an endearing thing to have a person who wants to try so hard to be with us or change for us. We watch movies and when a man comes for the woman after he has messed up, we’re all like “awww”. This also goes for friends and other connections. Yes, there may be situations where this is necessary. But what about relationships where the “mess-ups” are more like patterns and evidence of who the person is – right now. While it’s nice to hope for change and to believe their words, we often fail to look directly at their actions. This is where anxiety can really wreak havoc on us. We want to believe what they say. We hope for the best, and we even find it admirable that someone would want to change for us. But if a person is not growing and developing for themself first, it can be unhealthy not just for you, but for them too. Imagine the anxiety they must be feeling trying to match these self-imposed expectations of themselves just to have – a relationship? (Of course, they put this on themselves).

If this a dynamic you are in, the anxiety you may be experiencing is your gut saying “actions over words, dear”. And it’s an internal conflict between your soul, heart, mind and brain. I get it. But what if you let go of the picture of who this person “should be”? Would they still be someone you love unconditionally right now and would you be happy to invest in who this person is now – not who they could be? Be honest. It’s the only way through your anxiety. It’s okay to love people as they are and let go of your expectations if you are genuinely happy with them. It’s also okay to let go of anyone who is not growing with you, or alongside you in life.

A further note:

The ultimate place of peace would be to wake up each morning and live life without disappointments. Being let down by people is not just about what they do, but also what we expected of them. Yes, we can go into agreements with people and they may choose not to meet their end. So of course, we are going to feel let down. If we dig a little deeper though, it’s feeling like a fool for believing in someone or something and being met with a different reality. I don’t think any of us like feeling foolish.

39. Ignoring the red flags

How do we know if someone is good for us – or our life? Do we know before we “know”? I think so. I think we know when something is off but we choose to overlook it because we want to believe the best. Or we are so keen (sometimes desperate – hey, we’ve all been here) to love and be loved, that we ignore the flags and the hunches, like burying our head under the sand in the hope it will just go away. We focus on the possibilities. And when the evidence rises to the surface, we justify. We give another chance because we don’t want to be wrong.

I feel this is more about us – than the other person. By acknowledging our mistake, or our desire to ignore the signs, we worry it will bring shame. That feeling of foolishness. And it does. Because in most cases we know better. I truly believe that if we are spiritual beings and we have faith that God protects us, then he does. I also believe the spirit does not lie to us – it warns us. If we learn to trust our inner voice and not allow our ego to be flattered by someone – it will help us to determine the red flags with more clarity.

40. Breakups cause a concoction of anxieties

Breakups are not easy. Even if a relationship is terrible, I can’t say that I have ever had absolute relief in those first few weeks or months after a breakup. It comes in time. Everyone processes a break up differently and for us anxious types, this is when it can literally scream the loudest. It can be fucking brutal, to say the least. If you’ve invested your heart, there will be a sickening feeling when you realise it’s over and there’s a blank space where this person used to be. You’re going to feel strong heavy emotions and they are going to swing back and forth. Go easy on yourself. If you push yourself too hard to get over them or want to push the emotions away – it makes it harder.

We often resort to “worry” mode – have I made the right decision? What’s going to happen next? And the million other questions that come. At first, it seems only fair to ask ourselves all these questions but we end up feeling paralysed by the unknown.

Tips for breakup anxiety:

• Grieve in your own way. If you want to lay low for a few days, do it. If you want to go out, do it.
• Lots of articles say distract yourself. I personally believe in the opposite. I’d prefer to face it head-on straight away and feel everything I am feeling.
• Exercise and eat healthy foods. If that’s the most basic thing you can do for yourself, it will help to protect your body against sickness, further stress, and feeling horrible about yourself.
• Try to dress well – I know you may be tempted not to care about your looks. But dressing nice for yourself can help raise your mood. Sometimes dressing slobby (we’ve all done this!) can make us feel insecure, anxious and add to our misery.
• After grieving you need to focus on yourself and find out if there are things you need to learn, or heal, so that you can avoid the same choices or mistakes (if there are any) in the future. But also not enter into a new relationship with baggage because that is not fair on the new person you are dating. Or end up marrying.
• Create a healthy lifestyle and focus on you if you weren’t already doing this in your relationship
• Stay focused on yourself even if you date again

You might like to watch and read: How To Heal A Broken Heart: The Science Behind Why It Hurts and How To Recover

41. The draining one-sided relationships

Most of us would have experienced the one-sided relationship dynamic where it feels like our energy is drained after spending time with someone. It can be difficult to distinguish. Our good old mate “guilt” will try to minimise the truth and tell us, not to be so harsh. Walking away from one-sided relationships, or toxic relationships has not been my forte. It took a really long time to learn this. I would keep putting in time and effort, regardless of the returns, until the relationship just completely burnt out. It would result in both parties just disappearing into thin air – never to be spoken to again. I had to go through enough of those scenarios to recognise the signs and to see my own contribution in the relationship.

We need to take note of how we feel around certain people so that we know how much to invest, and also whether they are suitable for a position in our life. Furthermore, how close or how far is this person permitted into our heart. There have been times I have granted a person access to my heart with minimal time and commitment. I’ve jumped into a connection, excited and ready to start something wonderful. Only to realise that I did not verify this person through effort and consistency over a healthy spectrum of time. When you give your heart to the wrong person too soon, it can be detrimental to your being. The heart is bound to be anxious – it could be at the mercy of someone who does not value it.

You

42. You simply miss yourself

Ever since I was a child I learned the act of service through church. We were expected to give a lot of ourselves every single week. In my 20’s I was giving so much of myself and was really sick. I found it difficult to retreat and recharge. When I finally realised how much of my time was given to others, and not myself, I saw how detrimental it was to my life.

Missing yourself can cause anxiety. We need a friendship with ourselves to feel confident, fulfilled and nourished. When we have been busy or given our time away, and not replenished ourselves – we can start to feel empty.

43. Worrying about what other people think of you or what you do

Fitting in can be disguised in many ways:

• Fear of disappointing someone
• Wanting to prove you’re not a quitter
• The desire to be loved/liked
• Not wanting to stand out for fear of criticism.

This was a very difficult area to admit to myself or even recognise. I mean it’s not like we walk around thinking “I want to prove myself” – I think some thoughts are ingrained in us. It wasn’t until I started looking within, I recognised what I craved, what I needed and why I acted in certain ways.

When I started doing more of what I want, I was criticized for it. It comes with the territory at times. Some may straight out call you ‘crazy’. Some may warn you, to ‘protect you’. Some comments are filled with their own fear and jealousy. This can cause us to feel anxious because we don’t want to “let people down” or be judged for being ourselves.

Our response to people who don’t support or accept us for us doesn’t need to be defensive. And we dont need to live our life proving anything to anyone. I’ve found the best way to address these comments is to smile and go on doing your thing. Interestedly down the road when you are doing just fine, those same people may be inspired by you. Or simply learn to accept you as you are. For those who don’t, maybe they were only seasonal relationships.

The guilt that arises when you do what you want

I find guilt is very personal to the individual. Growing up we were taught to give everything to others, meaning little time for ourselves. Our family was discouraged from buying a house and the women were to be housewives, nothing more. Males were dominant. Women were submissive. I have come face to face with my guilt many times because those old beliefs rise up and say ‘who do you think you are?’

Tip: Your guilt may rise from a completely different situation but one thing remains – you must challenge those limiting beliefs to overcome guilt. Women, and men, are allowed to be free, creative, educated, business-minded, business owners, writers, mothers, artists, speakers, motivators – whatever it is you feel led to do.

44. Waiting for “one day”

Procrastination or repeatedly saying ‘one day’ can prevent you from moving forward. I do believe in timing but don’t let this be an excuse not to act. One of the reasons we procrastinate is due to fear. But you may find that it is due to looking at the end result or where you want to end up, and feeling it’s too overwhelming! The brain can become overloaded with the perceived mountain of work in front of it. The thing is we can’t look at a mountain and expect to get to the top without first climbing it, step by step. The same goes for fitness and life goals.

Tip: When a client tries an exercise and it’s too difficult, we pull right back and work on fine-tuning the movement without too much resistance. The goal is to focus on creating the first step, and then the second – one at a time. By ticking off each step and doing it properly, you adequately develop a strong skill set and foundation to build on. You also feel accomplished as you are going along and it calms you down because you are focusing on the present moment.

45. You don’t trust yourself

Trusting yourself is about becoming friends with yourself. It’s about learning who you are, how you think and what makes you – you. It is about approving your own decisions and being courageous in following your soul, sometimes against the grain of the world and others.

I left this one until last for a reason – it is one of the most important concepts to grasp. When we don’t trust ourselves – we leave ourselves open to needing validation, approval and proof from the external. It can keep us in a fearful place. We may also follow trends or advise that works for someone else, but not for us. This can lead to feeling unfulfilled (especially in health and fitness).

When you cultivate trust within yourself – areas of your life improve. And anxiety starts to become a navigation tool leading you back to your north (Yeh that’s the hiker in me). In Part Two, we discussed the body, mind and spirit. Each of those areas is about you creating a lifestyle that is intuitive and personal to who you are. We need to remember we all have different body types, minds, experiences, pasts, families, environments and societal expectations. It is not fair to ourselves, and to others, to expect that what works for you will work for me – and vise versa. There will be differences.

This exploration of anxiety is about questioning what external pressures and beliefs you have adopted that do not align with you – and your soul. When you were a small little bean evolving into a newborn baby – you were already stamped with DNA and biological transfers from your parents, and their parents. When you entered the world, you were impacted by your surroundings, by teachings, by religion, emotional or physical abuse, friends, circumstances- and this influenced you and built you.

It’s normal.

Who knows what you may discover by questioning those external influences and changing your life and mind, to be in alignment with your soul. With your God-given natural instincts and unconditionally loving way of being:

• You may become less anxcious
• You may feel calmer
• You may become healthier
• You may become more joyful – because you are free of the shackles of expectations
• You may become more creative, artistic or passionate
• You may decide to start a business and do things completely left field
• You may find anxiety becomes your friend, your guide to being in tune with your spirit
• You may become mindful of how you train

You see, I feel anxiety is our warning system that there is an imbalance. It’s our body’s way of surviving stress or opposition to our balance. But when think we can’t change something or have a victim mindset, it’s difficult to break free of systems that keep us imprisoned.

What we have been exposed to does not mean it is healthy for us. It is also doesn’t mean we are stuck with what’s been imprinted on us. Because the reality is – what we learned may go against the natural essence of who we really are and what is best for us as individuals – resulting in anxiety.

What to do with this guide

Jot down your notes on any areas you would like to deepen your understanding and implement into your life. Go back through the series and highlight any areas that stand out the most to you. This is usually a good way to identify what you may be ready to work on. Areas that you may not be ready for or are irrelevant may not pique your interest so much. Listen in to what you feel drawn to. And explore that area.

If the tips and concepts have not given you enough to work with, you can contact me via hi@anjelicailovi.com and send your questions through. I’ll do my best to answer them – or add them to the blog. You can also book a coaching session if you want to chat in-depth where I can recommend some strategies, books and blogs that may assist you on your journey.

Disclosure: I’m not a doctor or psychologist so please don’t view this blog post as the answer or antidote to anxiety. I recommend that you seek medical help if you are experiencing anxiety and its threatening your health or life. Please speak to someone if it’s serious or life-threatening.

References

Please note this article is based on my own experience, long-term practices, gaining feedback from clients. I have also included references via Psychological Science if you would like to do further research yourself via: Foundations of Sports and Exercise Psychology, 2015, Robert Weinberg and Daniel Gould.